


Honey, I Shrunk The Brigadier General

by SteveTrevorsStarship



Series: RoyEd OTPoly 2020 [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alchemy, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Kid Fic, M/M, except i never explain it, no really roy is a kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveTrevorsStarship/pseuds/SteveTrevorsStarship
Summary: For the RoyEd OTPoly game.Ed blows up his lab and turns his husband into a child. Hilarity and constant embarrassment ensue.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: RoyEd OTPoly 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813930
Comments: 22
Kudos: 145
Collections: RoyEd OTPoly 2020





	Honey, I Shrunk The Brigadier General

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: An experiment goes wrong: Either Ed or Roy attempt a new kind of alchemy and fail miserably. Word count: 552-856
> 
> House level: It takes a whole crew to fix the damage. The embarrassment is strong with this one. Word count: 732-1862
> 
> Hotel level: Max word count: 3752
> 
> I did Hotel level! And I'm pretty sure I followed the prompt. The 'whole crew' thing was iffy, but I mean, Ed did blow up his lab and his coworkers all made him feel stupid for it. Also Roy and the team. 
> 
> On another note: mods, I am so sorry. Have fun. 
> 
> ALSO AAHAHA I FUCKING LOVE MY TITLE

Disclaimer: This is  _ not  _ what was supposed to happen. 

Ed’s a genius, right? He knows his shit. 

So how did he fuck up so colossally? 

It had been a theoretical array. Something to test the limits of quantum physics and alchemy, but then Mustang,  _ the absolute fucking idiot,  _ had walked in and– 

It would have been harmless if he had just handed Ed his lunch and left like a good husband. But  _ no _ . He’d pulled him aside for a quick kiss, and then it had turned into a long kiss, and then Ed had ended up on the desk, and then  _ Roy had nicked himself on some lab equipment and his blood ended up on the array–  _

He really should have put a sign up on the door to the lab saying, “No entrance permitted to absolute idiot Brigadier Generals who can’t hold themselves together long enough to bring their husbands lunch.” 

After that, all Ed really remembers is grabbing Roy and running when he felt the energy of a rebound crackle in the air.

. . .

Ed groans as he comes to. Distantly, he can hear the University’s Lab sirens going off, which he supposes is good because  _ he can hear.  _ He wiggles his fingers and toes, taking stock of any injuries. No serious ones, as far as he can tell, but he’s going to feel like a big bruise for the rest of the day regardless. Ed coughs up some dust and groans again. 

“Shit,” he croaks as he pushes himself up and looks around the room. It’s been destroyed and Ed is  _ very  _ lucky he had managed to get himself and Roy into the hallway separating the Lab from the rest of the main building. 

_ Roy, _ he thinks. He looks next to him, where he should be– 

Instead, he finds a young kid with dark hair that’s been covered in soot. When Ed pokes him awake, he opens his eyes to reveal dark irises and a trace of Xingese ancestry. 

The kid blinks, coughs, and asks, “Where am I?” 

Ed looks down at his clothes, at the too-big Amestrian Uniform, and he realizes– 

“Roy?” 

“That’s my name,” the kid responds, still looking around, confused. “Who are you?” 

Ed’s jaw drops, but the kid doesn’t seem to notice. 

“Dr. Elric?” Another voice says. A woman, a colleague he recognizes vaguely, steps into the room holding a first aid kit. 

“Over here,” Ed calls. “Get the kid first.”

“Kid?” she asks before she sees Roy. She looks at him, confused. 

“Don’t ask,” is the only explanation Ed provides. “I’m not sure I know why he’s here, either.” 

She frowns, but accepts it, bandaging the cut on Roy’s hand from when he injured himself on the lab equipment earlier. “The cleanup crew is coming soon. Nothing is on fire and most of the structural integrity seems to be in place, so it’s safe for everybody to be in here.” 

“Oh, great. So the mini-explosion just... singed the place a little bit.” 

“That and it destroyed a wall or two, yes.”

“Am I about to get my ass chewed out?” 

“Probably,” the woman offers him a sympathetic smile. 

Ed groans.

“Where am I?” young Roy asks. 

“Central University,” Ed responds. He cringes a little bit and says, “Sorry, Roy. You got caught up in a bit of a Rebound.” 

“Speaking of– how?” The woman (Ed should really learn her name) asks as she finishes treating the last of Ed’s wounds. “I thought you still couldn’t–?” 

“I can’t,” Ed says, not really bothered by his inability to do Alchemy. He can still study it, and it’s an insecurity he’s had years to get over. “Roy came to drop off lunch and cut himself on something. The blood activated the array and there was no one there to channel it, so–” 

“Rebound,” the woman finishes. Then she looks at Roy. “Wait a minute, Roy? As in Mustang?” 

Ed sighs. “Yeah. I’m fucked.”

She snorts. Once she's fixed them up, she leaves, and Ed stands up and motions for Roy to follow. 

“What’s your name?” Roy asks, all cute and innocent like he’s never thrown a coup. “Aunt Chris says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” Ed snorts and tries not to say  _ You’re following me anyway, aren’t you? _

“My name is Ed. How about I take you to your Aunt Chris?” 

Roy grins and it’s wide and  _ Ed is actually going to die he’s so cute.  _

“Okay!” 

“Great,” Ed says, turning to the crew filtering into the room. “Let me explain this to my boss first, then we can go, okay?” Roy nods and they leave the room. A couple of the cleanup crew send Ed dirty looks and for once in his life he can say that it  _ actually wasn’t his fault this time _ . 

That doesn’t really change the fact that his husband is a seven-year-old.

Ed tries to not be mortified. He isn’t very successful. 

. . .

“Let me get this straight,” his boss, Kat, says, looking down at him and Roy. “Your husband cut himself bringing you lunch– which by the way, you’re lucky I’m not going to ask how  _ Roy Mustang,  _ the man who is too careful to stub his toe does such a thing– and now he’s a seven-year-old?  _ And _ you blew up your lab?”

“That might be a bit of an exaggeration. The lab was more… singed than exploded, really,” Ed says from the uncomfortable chair Kat keeps for people that have categorically fucked up. He knows it’s her fuck-up chair because he has dinner with her every Friday and every Friday she manages to get drunk and talk about whoever sat in the fuck-up chair that week.

Needless to say, he’s not looking forward to Friday. 

“I’m your husband?” Roy asks. 

Ed pats his head and savors the moment in all its glory. “Give it a few years, kid.” 

“That’s okay. I don’t really want to be your husband, you’re kind of short.” 

And just like that, any trace of embarrassment Ed had been feeling dissipates. It’s replaced by his blinding rage and the burning need to throttle a seven-year-old. 

“Listen here, you little  _ shit _ –”

Kat puts her head in her hands. “I need a new job.”

. . .

“Hey, Boss,” Havoc says, looking down at young Roy, his cigarette dropping a little lower in his mouth. “Is this the emergency? Who’s the kid?” 

“Hi!” Roy says, “I’m Roy. Did you know smoking is bad for you?” 

And just like that, the cigarette drops to the ground. 

“The Chief is a kid?”

“I need you to drive us to Madame Christmas’ bar,” Ed says tiredly. 

“ _ The Chief is a kid? _ ”

“Is he okay?” Roy asks, looking at Ed. 

“Let’s get in the car,” Ed responds instead, opening the door for him and ushering him in.

. . .

“No,” Roy’s Aunt says the moment she sees them. 

“Aunt Chris!” Roy says, running forward to hug her. 

“Hey, kid. Sorry, Ed, but I’m not taking care of him. I’ve got a business to run and having a seven-year-old kid running around isn’t nearly as endearing to these customers as it used to be.”

“Just until I can reverse the array,” Ed says. “And I don’t want to tell Riza because she’ll shoot me and then eat me for dinner,  _ please,  _ I don’t want to die young.” 

Madame Christmas levels the classic Mustang eyebrow at him and says, “You two deserve each other. You’re both dramatic little shits that are terrified of Riza Hawkeye.” 

“Do you blame me?” Ed hisses. 

“No, but this time, the kid isn’t my problem,” the Madame sends him a mischievous grin. “Have fun with Riza. Roy, give the nice man his knives back.” 

Ed blinks.  _ Knives _ – ? he briefly thinks before patting his leg to find both the knives he concealed on his leg gone. “What the hell–?” is all he has time to get out before Roy appears in front of him with both of the knives and that  _ infuriatingly _ innocent smile. 

Where the hell had Roy been keeping them?

“My girls taught him well,” Madame Christmas says. “He also throws a mean right hook, so be careful of that.”

Ed sputters, “He- He’s four feet tall! How can he even–  _ What?!”  _

. . .

Havoc waits for them outside, leaning against the car. When they walk out to greet him, Ed tells him, “The Team is going to have to take care of him while I fix this.” 

Havoc stares at him and then puts his hand on Ed’s shoulder. 

“I’ll remember you fondly, Boss.” 

Ed drops his head into his hands and lets out the guttural sound that’s been building in the back of his throat. 

. . .

“You have really pretty hair!” Roy tells Riza, apparently ignoring her twitching eyebrow and the fact she has her gun raised. 

“Thank you,” she says calmly. 

“Can you, uh,” Ed points at the gun that is pointed at him, “put that down now?”

“That depends,” Riza responds, “on whether or not you turned Roy into a child.”

“Okay,  _ technically–”  _

Riza clicks off the safety.

“Yeah, I turned him into a kid. But, look, I’m going to fix it, I just need you to take care of him until I figure it out!” 

Riza sighs and turns the safety back on before putting the gun back in its holster. “You can stay with us, but you can’t distract anybody from their work. Understood?” 

Ed sits there and watches a seven-year-old Roy look warily at the gun on her hip, gulp, and say, “Yes, ma’am.” 

Riza smiles. “Good answer.”

. . .

Al covers his mouth with his hand to cover his laughter. 

“This isn’t even my fuckin’ fault, Al! The damn Bastard was the one that cut himself on the lab equipment, and it’s not like the array was even  _ finished _ .” Ed feels his face turn beet red and scowls. “Stop laughing at me!”

His traitor of a brother manages to stop his incessant laughter long enough to say, “Explain the array to me.”

So Ed does, and five hours of Al snickering to himself and saying, “He called you short,” while thinking up a way to fix Roy passes until finally,  _ finally,  _ they come up with a functioning array together.

Ed grins at the paper it’s drawn on. “Great! Come on, Al!”

“Yes,” Al says, failing miserably at maintaining his poker-face, “Let’s go fix your seven-year-old husband.”

“I’m gonna fuckin’ murder you, Alphonse Elric, and nobody is gonna find your body.”

“I look forward to that day, brother.”

. . .

“Am I going somewhere?” young Roy asks as he sits in the middle of the circle. 

“Yeah, you’re goin’ back home. Can you just give me your hand a sec?” Ed says distractedly, taking Roy’s hand and unwrapping the bandage. 

“Oh. Okay. It was nice to meet you, I guess. Your hair is pretty.” 

“Um… thanks,” Ed says, and he tries not to feel awkward about it. He presses the fresh wound on Roy’s hand until it bleeds a little on the array drawn under him. Ed stands up and steps away from the circle. “Your turn, Al.”

His brother nods and claps his hands. The light from the alchemy fills the room before dying down again, and Ed strains to see what’s left in the middle of the room. When the light is gone, he moves forward to make sure Roy isn’t seven still and is greeted with a fully grown Roy Mustang groaning and pushing himself up. 

“What the hell happened?” he asks rubbing his eyes. 

“I turned you into a kid on accident,” Ed responds, grinning and holding his hand out to help him stand up. Roy takes it and stumbles to his feet. 

He frowns. “You turned me into a kid?”

“Yup. I patted your head and everything.”

The tips of Roy’s mouth turn even further downward. “You’re joking.”

“He’s not,” Al says. 

“You turned me into a  _ kid _ ?!”

Ed laughs and kisses him on the cheek, ignoring the disgruntled sound Roy makes. “It’s okay, you were a cute kid.” 

Roy looks at Al. “Are you sure this isn’t a joke?”

Al grins and tells Roy, “You stole his knives and called him short.” 

The look on Roy’s face almost makes up for the fact that Ed blew up his own lab and turned his husband into a child. 

Almost. 


End file.
